Just keep swimming . . .

I think everyone knows that if sharks stop swimming they'll drown. I wonder if the sharks ever get tired? I have these days when I just feel like I'm terrible at everything I do. No matter what I do there are always too many balls in the air and things get dropped. My focus just seems so shattered. At school, I worry about my daughter and my home life. At home I'm thinking about my kids at school and what needs to be done there next. Do I have what I need for the next lesson? Does my daughter have what she needs for her school day? Can I carve out a little time to try and do some marketing for my book? Can I find an hour to write when thoughts of what else I should be doing won't crowd in?

Laundry piles up, dust gets thick enough to write messages in and on the way to work I realize I never entered those grades and I forgot to take the chicken out of the freezer to thaw. Groceries need to be purchased and did I wash the karate uniforms? I'm chief purchasing officer, tour director, payer of bills and sorter of mail. I'm the queen of the calendar that rules our lives, the region council vice-chair for the union (who is still too involved at the local level even after stepping down as president) and the runner of two extra curricular groups.

I've had people ask me how do I do it all? Well, the honest truth is, I can't. I can't keep all those balls up in the air without having them drop. They drop, all the time and I feel horribly inadequate. The hours I spend at work I worry that I'm not giving enough time to my family. As for work, I know that there's so much more I should be doing. I should be so much more interesting and clever and creative and helpful. I've stepped back from the union which makes me feel guilty too. There's more I should be doing to advocate and inform. As for my writing . .  . ? There are times I wonder if that's worth it too. Why should I work on book three when no one's read book one? I've been told at the same time by different people that I talk it up too much, just shut up already, and that I need to say and do more. I don't really say anything at work anymore about my writing. I was told once that I talked too much about it, it was taking my focus away from my kids and I had to restructure my priorities. So, I keep it for outside of work.

Marketing feels like standing on the edge of a cliff shouting into the wind with about a hundred other people standing next to me doing the exact same thing. I'm sure the rocks are pretty darn impressed, but they're not buying. I love my latest story. I think it's a great one and I know a lot of people would enjoy it, but I just don't know how to get the word out. I feel like I'm floundering in so many aspects of my life. I suppose that's just the life of a working mom--to forever feel like you're missing out on something important.  


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